A Time For Prayer

       For those of you who don't know, I recently went on a trip that took me half way around the world and back. I've been attempting to write a post over the past few days that speaks more to what I had done over the course of my travels than it did my needs (or what my ministry's team needs) are or have been since coming here. But every time I tried to write that post I never had the words to say. I haven't had the heart to back up what I was writing. So I'm taking a break from that update to write about some of the spiritual setbacks that have arisen since I've moved here and specifically since I came back from my brief, but wonderfully uplifting trips to both Malaysia and Maryland.
       Spiritual Setback #1: Greed in men's hearts and hopes resting on idols.
       Unbeknownst to me, there have been many greedy bureaucrats holding up the process for passing our permit to renovate the building that would be both our climbing gym and youth room. This setback is at the forefront of all of our minds since not only is there resistance on the part of the people asking for bribes to speed up the approval of the permit, but we have been setting our hopes on the completion of the rock gym and the youth room. As we have chosen to not bribe bureaucrats, or otherwise work around the regulations imposed on us, it has caused us heart ache and resentment toward those people and more recently toward God as we're questioning his motives in "teaching us patience." (Maybe "resentment toward God" is a bit strong of a phrase, but I'm afraid that we might be moving closer to that stage.)
       Spiritual Setback #2: A lack of unification of the body of Christ and an abundance of Pride.
       Unbeknownst to the guys I live with, I have started to resent them. I don't want to write this, but it's seems like my only avenue to express what's going on in my heart. I feel so alone. I'm blaming them for this feeling, but I know that it's not their fault. I'm comparing them to the people in my life who know me  and love me, and have for years. And I've found them wanting.
       Having just come back from spending time working with my brother and sister-in-law, Drew & Lindsey, in Malaysia, surrounded by people so unified, focused, and established in what they do, it's hard for me to come back here and work with a ministry that's in the throes of finding their foundation in the community of Nairobi. Furthermore, I just spent two weeks states side in MD with even more of my family and friends who not only love me when I'm doing my best, but have seen my worst, helped me through it, and love me even now.
       I'm terrified to be honest with these guys. I have changed who I am. At fear of losing their respect, I've kept some of my more odd tendencies hidden. Now that might seem like a normal reaction to most people, but not to me. I'm homeschooled. Once a homeschooler, always a homeschooler. I never had to deal with the pressure to fit in so much as I have since moving here. Growing up, I was with my goofy brothers. At college, I had people who understood that I was odd and that was just how it was going to be. Here, breaking expectations is met with ridicule and mockery, that has little to no foundation in love. And the worst part is that I participate whole heartedly. I want to be part of the group. Therefore I belittle.
       Spiritual Setback #3: Fear, Worry, Distractions.
       I'm too afraid to do anything about it. I see the disunity in our team and I don't want to cause more, so I keep my mouth shut, convincing myself that the appropriate time will arrive later. I'm afraid of being perceived as the "holier than thou" and "goody little two shoes" of the house/team. And on top of that fear of losing face in the house I live in, our ministry is full of worries about our image in the eyes of the students. We haven't had the amount of kids showing up to events that we believed would come, and it is disheartening us. We worry too much over "this and that," and lose sight of Christ, who conquered the world, which, in turn, brings us right back to "this and that."

So, broken to the point of not knowing any other course of action, I'm asking you to pray for and with my team and me. We have a lot of crap to work through and a lot of faith to find: faith in our identity in Christ and faith that his plan is exactly what we need. Pray that God will grant us peace. Pray that he will show us that he has truly overcome the world, and that we, like him are more than conquerors; we are inseparable from the love of God. Pray that our identity wouldn't be wrapped up in the perception of each-other, the students, or ourselves. How can any petty issues like pride distract us from the one whose image we bear. We have been adopted as Children of God and heirs with Christ.